Words are okay, when I'm speaking in a clinical fashion. If I'm describing my diagnosis, or detailing out my experiences like I'm reading from a police blotter, 'rape' and 'physical/mental/emotional abuse' and 'ptsd' do not need to be justified. They are just words, just facts, like a recipe from Betty Crocker.
Even if I am in a safe environment with people who want to hear my words, meaning MY words that come from MY heart, not the rattling off of facts, it's difficult for me to force them out. It's difficult to show someone that I'm still in pain, that it still hurts, and that I'm not better. I understand that it's asking for help, but it feels just like admitting defeat.
After almost 24 hours of being completely out of control, to the point where I flatly told the people around me that the needed to make my choices for me, I received another response from him. 30 minutes later, another response.
I should back up and detail the last 2 and a half months of my life, and how I've had to interact with him and conversations about his pooping habits (which was met with my reply of, "I guess just because we're divorced doesn't mean I don't get status updates on your ass.) With ping ponging passive aggressive, sometimes just aggressive, comments that would fly through my text messages, through my email, with his irrational and overbearing demands on MY LIFE and MY DAUGHTER and MY FAMILY, all the while he's crying in his soup about how I'm the one who's unfair. Me, the one who 'made the choice to leave (don't forget that!)', who 'needed closure', who 'needed to move on' is the very same one in which he accuses of trying to withhold his child. The very same man who put his hands around my neck, cocked back a fist and told me he would kill me if I was a man. The very same man who chose crack cocaine over his wife (sorry, not wife, not lover, but best friend, don't forget that!) and child, who he loves 'so much'. The same man who not months after we had finally escaped from Michigan, beat his girlfriend so badly, with 2 broken ribs and busted teeth, while he stole and hid her credit cards and car keys and threatened her life....
that very same man.
Yes, I am attempting to protect my daughter from him, behind ever single legal shield I can find. I give her as much protection to cushion the inevitable blows that are coming to her heart, as keeping the blows from coming to her head. I am saving her, and saving myself.
But that's all old news.
If I could, I would repost the 3 page long 'response' that was sent to me, written in all caps. Apparently I am so beneath him that I am not even worth using a shift key for, that requires far too much energy. I would show you, scream at you, that he's delusional and abusive and combative and neurotic and terrifying. I would read every sentence, with affectation and vigor, just like he would sound if he was saying. Because I remember the sound of his voice as it sliced into my belly and left me open. I remember the pain of his words, hitting me in my chest like bullets.
"I DIDN'T LOSE MY WIFE, OR MY LOVER, BUT MY BEST FRIEND."
That's all I ever was.
"YOU CHOOSE TO FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE AND CAN'T LET GO OF THE PAST."
That's all I ever was.
I was never anything more. I was a punching bag. I was something to kick when he needed to feel something other than the crack frying out his synapses. I was something to work out frustrations ON, not WITH. I was never more than those things.
It is difficult, even with as much progress as I have made, to see myself as anything more than that, to anyone. Especially when I read the words, "HONOR, YOU KNOW NOT. RESPECT, YOU HAVE NONE" and then I am told that I am making things up because those words are not abusive or combative.
As a friend put, I sent out my swan song to him. "If I thought you cared at all to know the swath of damage you left, I would tell you that I have been diagnosed with PTSD stemming from domestic abuse in the form of mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Yes, things were that bad. I live in a sea of triggers from the things you did and said to me. I have sworn letters from officers of the court in Jackson that your abusive behaviors only escalated with the women you've dated since. My genuine concern for them has legitimately been that they simply survive the ride, and maybe fare a little bit better than I did."
The fact is, he doesn't care. He will never care. These words are for my benefit only. They will do no damage to him. He will feel no shame, no remorse, not a care in the world. I do not affect his life, and I never did. I am only a fly in the ointment in his 'relationship' with his daughter. Nothing more. A nuisance. A bother. A gnat.
So, I asked for the help. I gave him my parting words. He can fall into the ocean for all I care. I wish him no harm, but I do not wish him anything. I just wish he would leave me alone.